It's the weekend, y'all!

Catching the Spirit

So, it's elections time all over the place it seems: municipal elections in Toronto coming up this month; elections to the US congress coming up in November; and presidential and gubernatorial elections in Nigeria coming up, eh, technically in April next year but, hopefully, sometime before the end of 2011.

Anyway, in the spirit of things, I thought I'd showcase my candidate potential for any unemployed campaign managers out there looking for a candidate to boost. Or for any political parties that are short of credible candidates (cough, cough, Nigerian parties take note). After all, how hard can it be? 


Here's a sampling from my campaign manifesto, for instance, thought up in about five minutes flat while washing my hair, microwaving dinner and cleaning the kitchen, all at the same time.

If elected, I promise to implement the following:

1) Mondays to Fridays will be officially renamed, 'The Weekend'. All relevant weekend activities will be shifted to those days immediately.

2) Ice cream will be officially reclassified as the vegetable that it is. For all of you going, 'huh'?, cream comes from milk which comes from cows which feed on....grass!

3) Same reclass applies to chocolate, which, as you all know, comes from the cocoa pod which, hello, grows on an actual tree!!!

4) Merely thinking about exercise for 5 minutes will result in the immediate loss of 2 pounds, and 3 inches around the hips.

4) For our collective sanity, the only people legally permitted to release music albums from now on will be those who can actually sing. Britney Spears, Justin Bieber et al, take note.
5) And only those who can actually act will be permitted to be in movies. Nollywood, I'm talking to you.

As you can see, I'm well on the way to campaign victory. With positions like these, how can I not be loved? I mean, I'll actually make more sense to the electorate than 79.56% of those actual running out there! So give me a call at 010-516-778-9210 and let's talk- if you've got a big checkbook, 'cos you know these candidates, I mean, campaigns, cost real money!

'So how did the dinner go?'

See here for the earlier gist on that. Sigh. I worked late and I missed it. And left the next day. Oh well, there will be other hot, single, available accountants in the future, I am sure. And no, putting 'hot' next to 'accountant' is not an oxymoron (although I'll leave it at that, as I think I face a losing battle with that one).

Useful thoughts...

-Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

-Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them 

-Food is an important part of a balanced diet. 

Till next time

Have a great week, and have a listen at this....love, love, love Switchfoot!

Time to come back

I've been blogging in my head for days on end now...guess it's time to come back.

Random Adventures in Travel
You know you've been travelling a bit when you start to recognize the airport staff...and they in turn start asking you, 'You look familiar, have you been here before?'

Things that go 'squeak' in the night
Houston...3am...4 star hotel...something runs across my neck...and then my face...rats!!!
I don't know what the hotel staff did about it after I told them later that morning, but I slept with the lights on every other night after that.

And back in Pitts...
Got my first ride ever with a female cab driver coming in from the airport in Pittsburgh. Go 'D'! But maybe try 'n' rock the seatbelt next time.

You know it's a Steelers' game when your room service waitress delivers in an NFL jersey. And yes, they won.

Wonder if it's something in the air...
Seems like somethin's always cooking in Pittsburgh. In the summer when I was here, the furries were having a convention at my hotel. Cue people in life size animal costumes, or just heads and tails, everywhere. Weird. This time, it's probably one of the safest places on the planet, thanks to the SWAT team convention taking place at my hotel. Cue lots of fit, crew cut guys in black tops and khaki pants everywhere. Cool.

And you thought accounting was boring...
There's a new, very single male addition to the accounting department at my client. Tomorrow I get to out with the entire department for dinner. I shall report back on what transpires regarding sitting arrangements.

I think I wanna go home!
Travel food price list
2 apples at airport....$3
Bowl of granola with skim milk, hotel...$10
Saucer (I kid you not) of brown rice with vegetables, hotel....$8
Bottle of water from in-house coffee shop, hotel...$2.44

Home grocery price list
Bag of apples....$3
Box of granola....$6
200g bag of brown rice...$3
Pack of 24 bottles of water...$3

So The Hague is now a village?
Completely unable to pay for a train ticket to Schiphol with a credit card in Den Haag this summer. But I could do it in Amsterdam, so why not here? 'Because Amsterdam is an international city' (exact words from customer service). Crickets.

New Beginnings

Holiday Highlights
Welcome back, readers! What did you do for the holidays? I got to spend time with a cool family, the G's; some of the funniest, friendliest people I've met. All through my stay there was a running battle between Mrs G and the GPS in her new Benz. Even if she already knew the way to where we going, she was DETERMINED to get the GPS to work. Each time, after almost fighting with the system (she was convinced her son had sabotaged it to prevent her from using it), we would finally input the destination and started going. Then the drama would start.
GPS: 'Please get ready to turn right in 200m'.
Mrs G.: 'I don't think so. Acainto, please check the handwritten directions that I gave you earlier. What do they say?'
GPS: 'Please turn right NOW'.
Mrs G.: 'Thank you; I know my way home.'
GPS would then shut up and sulk for a few minutes. Then after a while, it would start again.
GPS: 'Please keep left and get ready to take highway xxx.'
Mrs G.: 'I don't like that highway; I think I will continue straight.'

Yes, indeed, the battle of the GPS was fought long and hard, but it was truly won by Mrs G.

In between all the cooking and eating, we somehow found time to watch BET's award show. When a rapper came on, Mr G. said, 'What's his name again?Is it not Twopenny?' -- It was fifty cent...
Then it was Mrs G.'s turn: 'That one looks like Doggie Dog'-- It was Snoop Dogg.

Then we had to make plans to attend all the various parties. Mrs G, taking into account African time, commented about one of the parties: 'They said it was going to start by 3pm, but it's a lie.' We finally got to that one by 8pm.

It was truly a holiday to remember.

Here's hoping you had a good break yourself! It's back to work way too soon. Speaking of which, I have to soon find time to share some of the crazy stuff I did in the name of work these past few weeks!

How to pick up a hot waiter, and other useful tips

Bye Bye Bahamas
Alas, my heart was broken, as 'Ski-Masker' (backstory here) called to inform me there would be no trip to the Bahamas as he had been run over by a bus while on the way to get me my tickets and would be using my deposit to pay for his funeral. Well, what kind of hard hearted person could ask for their money back after that? Note to best friend: if you say, 'I told you so', one more time, you are NOT going to outlast the snow outside.

(No) Sex in the City
Anyway, I've had no time to be miserable. I met up with a bunch of girlfriends last Saturday for brunch and the official launch of the Toronto branch of the '(No) Sex in the City' group: sassy, sexy, single gals with a lust for life and a passion for God-stuff.

Our eyeballs nearly fell out when we walked into the restuarant, Dr Generosity, on Bloor St West. There were definitely some hot waiters in the house, I tell you!

It's one of those hip, whimsical places, so the table clothes were covered in brown paper and each table had crayons to play with. So anyway I and my friend N get talking and next thing she's writing her number on the table covering so I can remember to call her about a place to stay.

Of course the next logical thing to do enters my head, and I start writing notes for our waiter on her behalf, next to her number:
'This is her number'.
'Call her; she's really hot'.
'She made me do this.'
'She will kill me if you don't call!'

You gotta know my friend; she's one of those with the gift of saying exactly what pops into her head at that moment. Along the line she mentioned she'd gotten a new bed, big enough for her to be able to sleep with a really tall guy. So I helpfully informed the waiter:
'She can sleep with a 6ft 8in guy, so you're okay.'
And then when she mentioned she'd considered going into sex therapy sometime ago, of course I had to write,
'She also knows a lot about sex therapy!'

You never know, that sort of info might be useful for guys to know.

Anyway, the waiters had a good laugh over it all as we were leaving. N, if you read this and he calls, be sure to ask him if he has a brother for me!

For those of you who prefer a more direct route with your eye popping waiter, try this line which one of the girl's said had worked for a friend in another restuarant:

'Waiter, there's something missing from my bill: your number.'

His Cheeseburger
While we're on the subject of all things foodie, now is as good a time as any to remind ourselves that you, yes, YOU, are GOD's very own CHEESEBURGER!!! I love this wacky song (lyrics here) from Veggie Tales that manages to remind us of God's deep love while growing ever more frantic in the pursuit of a cheeseburger that involves an overnight stay in a fast food drive through!

Thoughts for this time of year
I know. I know. People say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

A sure sign Santa does not like your child: Along with presents, he leaves a hefty bill for shipping and handling

All the best for now! And if you know any sure fire pick up lines for hot guys, be sure to pass them on!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Miracle of Miracles!
Yes, my people, big things have happened since my last post (read here), and I am happy to report that I and one other lucky person will shortly be heading to the Bahamas, FOR FREE!!!

It all happened a few days ago, when a man approached my best friend and I in a coffee shop and said he had overhead us lamenting not being able to escape to sunnier climes and wanted to help us out. Once I heard the magic words, 'FREE TRIP' and 'BAHAMAS' in the same sentence, I screamed so loudly, someone almost called 911.

After that, everything was arranged so quickly, that my best friend can't believe it and is still pinching me, instead of herself. She is sooo overly skeptical-- something about it being dodgy that the man insisted on wearing a ski mask and dark glasses in a coffee shop, but I say, dodgy, fuzzy or wuzzy, hey, if it's 40 degrees below zero like it is now, you need not only ski mask but ski jacket, ski hat, ski gloves and even skis to navigate these frozen streets. Take this ski resort, girl; I'm off to the Bahamas!!!

Then she had issues about his address, something she couldn't quite place her finger on-'Mr Y. A. Hooze, Apt 4, no.19, Kip Driming Avenue'. I say, an address is for going to, not for putting your finger on! Quit worrying girl, we are on our way!!!

Then she even had questions about why, if he said the trip was free, he insisted on my handing over $x,xxx right away. I say, girl, what part of d-e-p-o-s-i-t do you not understand? He says once we land there, we'll get it back. Out of my way, girl, I'm on the runway!

THEN she wanted to know why, if he said he'd be back right away, I was still waiting in the coffee shop five days and 65 espressos later. I say, get thee behind me, thou weak in faith; obviously it's been too cold for people to walk about freely, which is precisely why I'm leaving in the first place!!! I KNOW he'll be back shortly-- I can still see his gold teeth sparkling in that wide smile as he waved 'bye!!!

Then she pointed out to me that the coffee shop employees had now started wearing face masks, and the fact that I hadn't showered or anything for the past few days just might have something to do with it. At this point, I yelled for the manager to throw her out, but for some reason, no one wanted to come near where I was, so I just decided to ignore her.

So, since she has annoyed me thoroughly, I have decided I am NOT giving my best friend the extra ticket (once I get it). Which is why YOU, yes YOU, may be on your way to the Bahamas with me shortly! Just drop me a line to say why you are the most deserving party, and I will announce the winner at the end of the week.

Wisdom for life's journey
In the meantime, here are some of my favorites from my reading to pass the time while waiting for my free tickets.

-If you come to a fork in the road, take it (also a spoon, or a knife) - Yogi Berra

-Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint. -Mark Twain

-Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -M.T

-I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -Henny Youngman

And finally a little something for all you drivers out there:

-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

-If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Seen on a bumper sticker on a car well past its best days:

'Answer my prayers: please steal this car!'

Okay, off to pack my luggage for my trip- Woo Hoo!!!

Nassau on my mind

A word is enough....
So last week and this saw the first snowfalls in Toronto, heralding the start of the --drum roll--(in) Famous Canadian Winter!!! Come on, y'all: let's hear it for the season of the deep freeze, snowstorms, chattering teeth, frozen toes and ten layers of thermal underwear!!! Woo hoo!!!
As a civic-minded individual, I feel it's my duty to pass on useful advice to anyone out there who's planning on wintering in this City, or anywhere in Canada for that matter - a la Stephen Colbert, "I Am A Winter Survivor (And So Can You!)" So here are the absolute top three tips for surviving the Canadian Winter:

1) Run away to the Bahamas
2) Run away to the Bahamas
3) RUN AWAY TO THE BAHAMAS!!!!

And for the rest of you...
If, however, you are the die-hard survivor type and feel inspired to take your bold, brave (last) stand in the face of the elements, then here are the tips you'll need:

1) Buy the biggest snow shovel you can find
2) Wait for the first snow storm
3) Go to the parking lot where you last saw your car
4) Dig out said car from under ten feet of snow
5) Get into your car
6) Hit the gas
7) Race to the airport
8) RUN AWAY TO THE BAHAMAS

Okay, I've done my part; my conscience is now clear, and I can now sleep in peace.

Who knew?
Apparently, flying in the Arctic is just as heartstopping as flying back home:

You know you're flying with an Arctic bush pilot if:
-You don't buy a ticket - you buy a chance!
-The pilot yells out the window to get the polar bears (not the cows, this time) off the runway.
-In-flight movie? You don't need one - your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
-You see a passenger waving a rifle, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
-Before you take off, the pilot tells you to fasten your rope.

And one last one for the snowmen:

Lessons we can learn from a snowman:
-We're all made up of mostly water.
-Accessories don't have to be expensive.
-If you're a little bottom heavy - hey, that's okay!
-Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.

All the best...I'm off to dream of the BAHAMAS!!!

Life is a funny thing

Becoming a millionaire (well, almost)
What would you do if the only thing that stood between you and becoming a millionaire was a piece of paper...that you had been expecting for several years? Keep waiting, or move on? I met some people like this a few weeks ago. Everything is in place: excellent business plan, great organisational structure, wonderful prospects; the only thing they need to cross the magic line was a permit from a foreign government, which they arevstill waiting for, after three years. Every so often there is a flutter of excitement as it seems the permission has finally been granted...and then another delay sets in. Some have given up and moved on. Some keep waiting, because they know that once that permit is in hand, they're literally instant millionaires, thanks to the stock market. That's how good their business plan is. Are they right to keep waiting? Who knows? Either they'll have the biggest laugh at the end, or they'll end up mourning what could have been. What would you do?

Mysteries of Life
Why do people still tailgate you when you're going up to 120kmh on the highway?

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? (Erma Bombeck)

Why is that, in movies, it does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors?

And also in movies, why is it that if a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long?

At least I found the answer to this one...
Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?
-Because the animals have been doing their business in it!
Don't waste energy envying others; you never know just what the whole story is. Enjoy your life!

Keeping us well- informed:
Sometimes news headlines are a little off the mark. Sample:

"Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says"
(We would never have guessed)

"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
(Yup, for that extra special taste)

"Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter"
(And I thought I had a long wait at the checkout at my local grocery store)

"Stolen Painting Found By Tree"
(Could someone please get the tree to join Crimestoppers ASAP?)

Always good to know:
Fact: More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes

Have a great week, and stay away from those donkeys!